Psych
by plug in baby57
Summary: Sam is uncooperative with the school psychologist. All Dialogue, Spam/Cam.


**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly, nor the various stories and films referenced in this piece.**

"So what happened in this dream, Samantha?"

"I was walking on this old lane in the middle of nowhere. I was minding my own business when I started to feel a little hungry. Then by the side of the road there was this house made of straw and a pig lived there. I said let me in and he said no, so I huffed and I puffed and I threw my cigarette butt at his house. It caught fire, cooked him nicely and I ate him."

"Interesting, carry on."

"Well I kept walking until I was hungry again. Then there was this house of twigs with a pig inside. Much the same happened to this pig, except the twigs were a little harder to light, so I sprayed some lighter fluid on his house first."

"Okay"

"Well you can guess that the third house was made of bricks and I couldn't burn it down."

"So what did you do?"

"I forced the lock and beat the living hell out of the smartass bastard."

"Then what happened?"

"The teacher woke me up."

"So what was the problem with this dream?"

"You're the one with a degree in psych, you tell me."

--

"So what happened in this dream, then?"

"Well I was asleep."

"I guessed as much."

"No, I was asleep in the dream."

"Okay, what happened when you woke up?"

"Well, I was on this leaf and I was hungry."

"I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here."

"Whatever. I was hungry so I ate an apple but it wasn't enough."

"So what did you do?"

"I ate two pears."

"But you were still hungry?"

"Yes, so I ate three plums, then four strawberries and five oranges."

"And you were still hungry?"

"You got it."

"I'm going to take a wild guess, does this dream end with you becoming a butterfly?"

"No, I was a _beautiful_ butterfly."

"Well, I think butterflies are generally considered beautiful."

"Those grey ones aren't."

"They're moths, Samantha."

--

"So I was back on the lane where the pigs lived."

"Okay,"

"And there was this new house, so I went in side tried the three bowls of porridge that had been left on the table. Don't ask why, I hate porridge."

"Interesting."

"Then I sat down in the three chairs, trying to find a good one. That somehow tired me out, so I went up to the bedroom and couldn't get comfortable in the first two beds but the third was just right."

"You fell asleep and got woken by three bears?"

"Bingo."

"So what happened then?"

"Let me think, a girl against three bears? I got fucking mauled, that's what happened then."

--

"Do you want hear about my latest dream?"

"Not particularly."

"Why not?"

"Because you've just been reciting children's books so we wouldn't talk about anything personal to you."

"Not personal? The Very Hungry Caterpillar practically gave me my life philosophy."

"Nevertheless, I want to talk about your mother, your excessive violence and criminal activities. I don't want to hear about you flying across the Atlantic on a giant peach, getting invited to a chocolate factory or your adventures with the Big Friendly Giant."

"Actually, it was the Big _Fucking_ Giant."

"I don't care."

"I had an actual dream a couple of weeks ago."

"Are you telling the truth?"

"Yes."

"Go on then."

"Well, I photodocked a teacher's face onto a picture of a rhino and got my best friend to take the blame and this eventually led to us creating a webshow."

"That was your real life, Samantha."

"Wait, that was a memory not a dream."

"Samantha, I want you to start taking these sessions seriously."

"Wait, there was this time that I... No, that was Escape From New York."

"Samantha, really-"

"There was one really good one where I said 'Get away from her, you bitch!' Then blew the alien queen out of the... No that was Aliens."

"That's it, I'm going to kill myself."

--

"What happened to killing yourself?"

"Suddenly everything looked brighter when you left."

"That's good."

"Alas, you are back here. So what's it going to be this time? Tracking down the Ark of the Covenant? Finding the Holy Grail with your father, Sean Connery?"

"No, that's just silly."

"So anything you want to talk about then?"

"I had sex with my best friend's brother."

"Really?"

"Yep, on an oversized pool table he'd built."

"Okay, why?"

"Well, I was naked and lying on said pool table and thought it would be rude not to."

"So you thought it was a matter of etiquette?"

"That and he has a massive cock."

"I could have done without hearing that, but how did you know?"

"I got him to pose naked once for my photography class, just to piss off my teacher."

"What I really want to know, Samantha, is why were you on the pool table naked?"

"Why was I naked?"

"And lying on the pool table, yes."

"Because it would have been difficult to have sex with Carly still clothed."

"Umm, What?"

"I forgot to mention, I had sex with my best friend as well as her brother."

"So you slept with both the brother and sister, one after the other?"

"For some reason they wouldn't do it at the same time."

"Wait, you tried to get a brother and sister into a threesome?"

"There something wrong with that?"

"Quite a lot, actually."

"Don't have a heart attack doc, I'm just fucking around."

"Clearly."

"No, I meant I'm kidding."

"So you didn't have sex with them?"

"No, I did, but Spencer was just a chance occurence and I didn't try any sort of threesome, I do realise the issues with incest."

"Okay, let's just start at the beginning, why did you have sex with Carly?"

"Umm, she asked me to?"

"You had sex with her just because she asked?"

"Well she was naked, holding a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs and a can of whipped cream. Could you say no to that?"

"Was this your first sexual encounter with Carly?"

"It was the first with handcuffs but not whipped cream."

"So are you two dating?"

"No, it just started out as something to do when we got bored, you know, why masturbate alone when you can do it with a friend?"

"No, I really don't know, Samantha."

"Carly and I have done practically everything together since we were eight, so why not this?"

"I get it, you two are very close, so it seems natural to go to each other during your sexual awakenings."

"I don't know what you just said Doc."

"I was agreeing with you."

"Oh, good. Well, anyway, it starts off just messing around and then before you know it, you're gagging each other with your underwear, licking feet and pissing in the Hungry Hungry Hippos."

"Sorry, what was that about the Hungry Hungry Hippos?"

"We urinated into a Hungry Hungry Hippos board once, just to see what it was like. Don't worry, it didn't catch on."

"What was the time frame for all this?"

"A year, eighteen months? I'm not sure. The line was a little fuzzy before that anyway."

"Okay, so you have sex with Carly, which is par for the course for you?"

"Yep."

"And then Spencer, her brother, finds you naked lying on his oversized pool table?"

"In retrospect, I probably _should _have put my clothes back on."

"And then you invite him to have sex with you?"

"It took more than an invite, I had to work hard to make him forget the age difference."

"What was the age difference?"

"Twelve years, why?"

"You had sex with a thirty year old?"

"I had to!"

"In what way?"

"The Shays are a very attractive family and if I simply got up and got dressed I'd have to explain why I was naked and all the stains."

"What stains?"

"On the pool table, Carly and I were very sweaty... among other things."

"And does any of this bother you?"

"Not really."

"So why did you want to talk about it?"

"I assumed you'd want to know something like this."

"Samantha, next week is our last session, your school isn't going to pay for any more. To be quite frank, I'll be glad to finally be rid of you. So I'll give you this advice, always use protection because Gonorrhea isn't nice."

"How do you know? Did you catch it?"

"No, I'm a doctor. We all have to study actual medicine before specialising. And don't get sexually involved with two members of a family, it only leads to trouble."

"How do you know?"

"From experience. Anyway, next week will be too late to actually work on any of your problems unless you plan on coming back under your own pay, so you might as well bring a gameboy or something."

"That doesn't sound too professional."

"Samantha, you've given me crap for the last eight weeks, so I don't really care."

"But I'm starting to think I might actually be able to open up to you."

"I'm not going to be able to help you in a one hour session. Had you tried cooperating earlier, we might have gotten somewhere."

"Did I make you angry at some point?"

"You've been making me angry every time you're here."

"You know, I don't think you're very good at being a doctor. You didn't even have some trick to make me start talking."

"You know, you're not very good as a patient."

"Yeah, but I don't get paid for this and I'm not getting a lot else either."

"I could've helped you through your problems."

"Problems? What with?"

"Your carefree view on sex, over reliance on violent force and the clear issues that you must have with your mother."

"How are they problems? Sex is fun, violence is fun and I see my mother once a week when I go back to take a crap."

"Ignoring your relationship with your mother is not going to fix it."

"Why would I want to fix it? I hate the woman, she can die for all I care."

"I'm sure you don't mean that."

"I do, she was a lousy mom and I rarely even see her anymore."

"That doesn't mean there's nothing to fix."

"I've been staying at Carly's so long that all my mail goes there now and it's a lot fucking better than living with a crazy bitch."

"Samantha, there's no reason -"

"Just fucking stop calling me Samantha already. It's Sam! S - A - M, Sam! Not even my school teachers call me Samantha anymore."

"Fine, Sam. There's no reason to abandon your mother. It'll hurt you if you never let yourself reconcile with her."

"No it fucking won't. I've already come to terms with it. My heritage is complete crap and I don't want anything more to do with her."

"Sam, she raised you, I think-"

"I don't care! She did such a good job raising me that I met my best friend by trying to steal her sandwich! What sort of kid does that? She was a junkie for most of her life and married a murderer! Why should I want to be close to that? The name Puckett is a synonym for criminal! The further from her I am the better!"

"Samantha, there's no need to shout."

"It's fucking Sam. And I'm only shouting so that you can get this into your thick head. I like who I am! This is me and I'm proud that I might actually be able to go to college and that I'm not married to a man doing life. No one gives me any trouble anymore because they know that I can kick their heads in and that I can have sex without needing to be paid for it, because all that is what my mother represents, a bunch of criminals that will never amount to anything."

"That's the hour up, Samantha."

"You utter bitch."

**--A/N--**

**My last all dialogue was well recieved so I wrote another one. Originally I wanted to do have Sam go through a story parallel to the Very Hungry Caterpillar, but it wasn't working out. Then I remembered the Three Little Pigs and that Sam likes eating pigs. Somewhere along the line I thought, hey let's make it a dream, then I thought, nah it's funnier if she pretends it's dream. Then much like real life, I just started talking about films. Then I left it for a week whilst I tried to think of a way to end it. Then suddenly I had the idea of sex on a pool table, couldn't decide between Cam and Spam so through them both in there and then things suddenly took a serious turn because I was still in a situation that I couldn't end. Not to mention I've been getting pretty tired (it was almost one in the morning when I finished this) and had written about a thousand more words than planned, so I went a little off track. I'm not keen on this one, it's taken a downer turn and I'm a little out of it from lack of sleep.**

**Oh yes, Not There Yet might well be getting a sequal that's written in standard prose. All I'm sure about right now is that Sam will be naming her pet cats after Ancient Greek battles, specifically Thermopylae, Plataea and Marathon.**

**P.S I just lost the game.  
**


End file.
